Following is what happens when I let my heart speak its mind for twenty uninterrupted minutes. Excuse me for being a downer today. I’ll be okay. But I made sure to hide the bummer thoughts behind a “more” link.
However, want to tell me something fun? Please?
The world seems pretty broken and I cannot fix that. While I don’t ever want to sound ungrateful, I feel like people are playing tug ‘o war with me at all times. I’m in a constant run-around, jumping from one thing to the next and not being able to finish anything in time. I want to just sit and stare into nothingness. To relax. And I’m scared. Tired. Exhausted, really. I’m frustrated, and prone to get upset in a heart-beat. And I feel like I could just cry. Nearly all the time. And I can’t talk to my family, because they’d make a big deal of telling me how good I’ve got it, or alternately say they’d help and then not follow through. The Chef I’m not convinced would completely understand because this is not something he’d ever dealt with. I try and explain, but it is not that simple as saying the words and their registering at once. It’s not something I dealt with either, and I feel like it’ll swallow me up whole. I want the real life friends whom I could talk to at any moment without my calls becoming a notice of missed calls on their smart phone’s screens. I want to be important enough to push that button and have my calls taken. Or at least gotten back to if they were busy. The way I am/do when friends call. It drives me nuts that I can’t reply to e-mails in time, because I’d love to be able to hit the pause button around me and write the longest letters to everyone discussing every detail properly. And these friends are the most amazing, because they understand how Life gets in the way of that. So especially because of that I want to be there for them anytime. Overwhelmed might be a good word to use here. Except even that doesn’t seem to cover all that I am feeling at the moment. There is no such thing as being caught up. I have several pages-full of links for articles I wanted to read and never gotten around to them. All I can manage is to keep adding ones that are open in new tabs in the hopes I’ll read them and then I end up slowing my browser down way too much and cut+paste them onto the page for later. Later never comes. The headaches are starting to seriously worry me. Herbal medicine is supposed to help, prescription too. Will see in time I guess. I want to travel. There is so, so much I want to see, yet finances keep me from it; having to discuss and plan ahead in way more detail than a person would need to, to see if it will be enough if I set aside every single penny from now until October. I was convinced that after having a regular eight hour job I would be able to afford a vacation. Hurts that I was wrong. I need to write myself a love letter. Though it’s really hard. I’ve done it successfully last year, but I’m not sure it’ll pan out this year. I feel too bad about having to close down my freelance business. Unfortunately here it’s all about connections, about who you know, where, and whether they like you enough to put in a good word. Some people might genuinely want to help and give you the heads up on when to send in a resume for it to be surely read. Even that won’t get you too far most of the time. Someone once said to me they wouldn’t hire people who’d been doing their own thing for a few years. I’d have thought that to be considered resourceful and showing dedication. But apparently it’s looked upon as being lazy instead. The job I have is good, my colleagues are nice but this is so far from my dream job, right now, I can’t see the end of the tunnel; I can’t tell if I’ll ever be on my way to said dream job. Ever. If you don’t have connections you can’t make it. And I don’t.
