Heart on the beach – by Estrella Azul

A heart on the beach…

There’s something

in this picture

which makes me think

of not losing hope;

Even though the waves

will wash over that heart

and in a few minutes

there will be no trace

it ever existed…

Revolutionizing, burnt boats and my super hero name

What do you want to revolutionize?

Will have to agree with Danielle, whose question inspired this answer, and admit that my heart has a long list of things that I would like someone else to revolutionize. I won’t go into it all now, that doesn’t get anything done anyway.

As for what I’d personally like to revolutionize? My answer to that would be: my surroundings, and I’ll do that by simply being here.

Because the truth is, my being here is a revolution in and of itself after nearly being denied staying on this earth a couple of years ago.

~~~

What boat do you need to burn? a testimony to your future

I need to burn the boat of relationships past.

It was a sturdy, reliable vessel. It brought me to where I am today even if the waters tested its solidity and efficiency through more storms than I would have cared for. We’ve weathered through them all – family disputes, failed romances, toxic friendships. It has taught me so much through the entire journey!

It also brought me to where I am today. And as far as I can tell right now, this is where I want to be. So I am lighting a match, with gratitude.

~~~

What’s your super hero name?

My superhero name is Estrella Azul.

It is my pen name, a name I chose for myself in 2007, a name I love. A name which consists of the things I love; stars and the color blue. Since I received my blue starfish pendant it also represents my love of the sea, the ocean, the beach.

My special power is love, I think, that is my default setting. As for what else I could say about it all, I think my warning label sums it up very well.

 

 

*Blog post inspired by this, and a few past week’s questions from Danielle LaPorte’s The Burning Questions Series.

One dumb thing I used to believe in (Okay, so maybe two)

I used to believe I was weak and worthless. Some years ago, yes, but remnants still floated by every once in a while closer to the past few years. Inadvertently, I also used to believe self-love didn’t have much to do with the love I put out there and share with everyone I care for.
And then there was last May. Last May, I wrote myself a love letter. I gave myself permission to do one thing, for seven days. I committed premeditated acts of self-love. I wrote a list of what I’m allowed to do, and paid more attention to all that I can do.
It was a month of self-love, but also a moth of rediscovering myself, of rediscovering how much I’m worth and how while my heart may be broken to pieces not only in big life altering ways, but in tiny everyday ways, while I may be fragile to a certain degree – I’m strong enough!

When I read j’s recent post tonight, over at a Human Thing, it has led me to be able to recognize what made my day a good, truly love-filled one:
allowing myself to feel vulnerable and breakable.
(After a babysitting situation which in the heat of the moment felt/was quite brave. In hindsight it was also quite stupid/dangerous, but that’s how the “mommy-bravery” thing works, I guess).

 

What’s one dumb thing you used to believe in?

 

*Blog post inspired by this week’s question from Danielle LaPorte’s The Burning Questions Series.

 

PS: I also used to believe in fairy tales and buy into the whole concept of The One. At the end of 2010 I have also come to the same conclusion as Danielle has. But that’s another story.

Eight things I associate with true love

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ It only really takes three words (if needed at all), to make someone’s day. ~

 

True love is…  T … trust.

True love is…  R … rare.

True love is…  U … understanding.

True love is… E … enchantment.

 

True love is… L … listening.

True love is…  O … ocean-deep.

True love is… V … valuable.

True love is… E … enough.

Love, differently

January is coming to an end tomorrow. That means the Estrella’s ~Seasonal Photo Challenge~ page is now updated with February’s theme and photo suggestions. I’m really excited about this month’s theme and suggestions, so please drop by to check them out (and leave me a comment there this time around).

You can see my photos from January right here, where February’s logo is already up. I have also updated my Capturing Love on Film album if you want to see even more photos under the Love theme.

While you’re there, if you’d like to give me suggestions for March and upcoming months, I’d love to read them. And of course, feel free to join in and snap some pictures. With all of you there, I’m sure it will be a lot of fun!

~~~

j shared some thoughts on everything being just so last week. It prompted the following thought:

Grief is a different kind of love, one that hurts the most, even (or rather especially?) after a long time, when one doesn’t expect it to, when it seems like a big fat cruel cosmic joke…

Monday Musings

Loved how the Chef, in a moment of joking with friends, as I shyly and half-jokingly said that I’m a writer, turned to our company and with all seriousness said: “She really is, she’s an English writer!”

~~~

Our weather in under 24 hours (maybe on account of it being Friday the 13th?) was the following:
Heavily overcast. Foggy. Sunny. Clear skies. Overcast. Raining. Sunny. Overcast. Snowing. Sunny. Snowing and Sunny. Short snowstorm. Foggy and Snowing. Clear skies. Snowing. Overcast. Snowing. Lightning and Thunder while Snowing. Windy throughout the day and night.

~~~

Oh boy, could I relate to this. Hope does sometimes get in the way. I think it’s all in the perception of things; all in allowing ourselves to lose track of what we’d like, or not let anything hold us back.

In time… As cliché as it may sound, actually works

“Sometimes there are no words. No words to describe what we feel, and no words that could truly comfort us.”

It’s the second time around that I’ve started a blog post with these words. These are the beginning sentences of one of my love letters I volunteered to write back in December. And I still believe every single one of the above words.

I won’t share the whole letter with you, but it was along the lines of the, by now cliché, “time will heal all wounds”.
Because as much as I wanted to find some amazing new formula or tips for doing X, Y, Z and one’s grief will magically dissipate… I wasn’t able to. I think I did find a fresh way of comforting my letter’s recipient, but the message behind my words was still “in time…”.
Writing this particular letter has actually helped me deal with my own grief. I felt much lighter after finishing and sending it along, as if I’d found a new way that worked for me as grief-release.

What I didn’t expect was being struck by realization (or rather thrown to the ice and being demanded that I pay attention) weeks later.

The Chef finally convinced me to go ice skating. I haven’t done so ever since I was around 8 years old.
Sure, I rollerblade very well, but was afraid of stepping onto the ice, knowing it would be very different from the dry-land version. I kept putting it off. And for good reason might I add, as my friends went ice skating right before Christmas, then New Year and I wanted to have all limbs intact for the holidays.
However, I had no more excuses for last week… And there I went.

A friend let me borrow her skates since she couldn’t make it, so I arrived at the ice skating rink, got equipped and stood around waiting. It wasn’t too bad, I could walk or stand and keep my balance without any problems.
We slowly progressed in the crowd towards the ice rink once it was cleaned and ready for use.
I stepped onto the ice and it felt so strange. The Chef held my hand tight and gave me a few pointers like “Bend your knees a bit more”, "Don’t be afraid" and reassured me “It’ll be alright” – and I let go.

I let go of all the fear and anxiousness I’ve managed to gather up until that point. And it all went well.
We skated for two laps holding hands, and then I let go of the Chef’s hand, and skated on my own.
It felt so good! Not to mention how happy I was that no one had to stick around and teach me very slowly how to ice skate.
I only held the Chef’s hand again at times when I wanted to gain more speed.
Then I sometimes let go of his hand even then.

I leapt and the net appeared, even if only figuratively speaking.

During the whole time, I kept thinking of the person who has taught me how to ice skate some 16 years ago. I mentioned it to the Chef.

About fifteen minutes before our time on the rink was up however, my skate’s toe picks made me trip up in a place the ice was overused/had some holes made by people previously jumping there.
Naturally, I fell. It hurt. (My hip and knee were blue/purple/black within the hour.)
But I got right back up, brushed the ice off of my clothes and was on my way a couple of minutes after the event.

But in that moment, when my body hit the ice, when, even though it felt like eternity, I quickly brought my hands near me and proceeded to pick myself up – I could see it.

I could clearly recall the very first time I ice skated.
I could clearly recall the very first time I fell when I was 8 years old and my uncle was right there next to me, right there to pick me up quickly.
When he didn’t give me any time to think past being on the ice one second and being upright the next.
When he kissed me and held my hand for a little while longer before letting it go again as I skated some more.

And I felt it. I felt some of my grief being relieved.
I felt like he could see me, like he was right there next to me again so I wouldn’t get blocked and scared.
I felt like he would be proud of me.
I felt like I was connected with him in a way that absolutely nothing can ever diminish.
Not even death.

I’m going ice skating again this evening. And I will try to pay more attention.
But I know He’ll be watching, ready to help me get right back up in case I fall again.