A glance into the unknown girl’s thoughts – by Estrella Azul

October 27

Dear Diary,

How should I even start? There are so many things on my mind right now.

And as if that’s not enough, I can’t stop thinking of what happened a few weeks ago!

“Unknown girl” … these two words got to me more than I had expected and it dawned on me that even though it was said as a joke, it was the truest statement I have heard in a long time.

I actually am an unknown girl.

There in that classroom full of 9th graders, in my own classroom, in my former relationship, among my friends, at home and…

And to some extent… even to myself.

November 3

Dear Diary,

Maybe my lonesome personality was brought on by my parent’s divorce when I was about 4 or 5 years old. Or maybe because I have no siblings.

I don’t really know.

I remember though how happy I was playing alone in my room with my dolls, with the farm animals, even the chickens.

I used to take my little chair and my fairy tale book to the hen house to read to the chickens, waiting for an egg to take in to my grandma.

Oh, those must have been happy chickens. Each time my grandpa was preparing the soil for the crops I waited by his side with a tin can to gather the worms he would find. I would wash them at the hose and then feed them to the chickens.

At school, children making fun of me for being kind and paying attention didn’t help me turn into some popular kid with 100 followers, but it did make me want to learn and read.

Oh, reading. Now that’s something I wouldn’t turn down for anything. I could get lost in the pages of a book. Escaping to the wonderful world it describes, having all sort of adventures, yet being able to step away whenever it becomes scary and uncomfortable is something I wish existed in real life too.

Maybe I put up this wall and don’t really let people in because I’m afraid of getting hurt. That’s not true. I’m terrified of getting hurt again.

But come to think of it, I can get hurt even while having the wall up so it would make sense to demolish at least half of it.

That way anyone caring enough can easily step over the lower remains.

Reaching out isn’t my forte, I admit to that. I know I should try it though, getting out into the world could turn out to be what I need.

I’ll try it even if it’s hard.

Tomorrow.

November 15

Dear Diary,

Okay, so I didn’t exactly try it tomorrow.

But I am getting better at interacting with people and today I did it: I talked with the guy who referred to me as "the unknown girl.”

I saw him before on the hallways, but didn’t have the courage to just walk up to and talk to him.

I did become friends with one if his classmates by chance, who by the way is the sweetest person I ever met, she’s a great friend! We write letters to each other during classes and exchange them during breaks. Now I go up to her classroom more often and I noticed that the guy is actually very cute, and he does have those amazing hazel eyes.

Anyway… I went up to her classroom this morning and my friend wasn’t there yet. As I wanted to leave, the guy asked me why I don’t wait for her instead of leaving. So I did.

I hung around and we started talking and exchanged IDs. Oh, I can’t wait to talk to him although I have absolutely no idea what we could talk about.

January 1

Dear Diary,

It’s late already and I should have been in bed since at least two hours ago… but I couldn’t fall asleep.

Ever since we exchanged IDs, I’ve been talking to the guy in school during breaks and all through the afternoons. And today the strangest thing happened: because his PC didn’t work, he went to the internet café just so he could talk to me all day long!

He’s amazing! Kind, attentive and we can talk about anything. I was quite upset over not being invited anywhere for a New Year’s party, but I feel much better now, he knew how to bring a smile to my face.

I don’t feel so isolated anymore.

Wish this could slowly develop into a relationship… he likes me too I think. Yet I’m afraid I’ll lose this amazing friend if the relationship doesn’t work out.

Hope it works out somehow.

Maybe getting more bold was the right thing even if I still have a lot to go.

And the best thing is: I feel like this guy really knows me.

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45 Responses to “A glance into the unknown girl’s thoughts – by Estrella Azul”

  1. Wonderful, just wonderful!

  2. I loved the “I’ll try it even if it’s hard.

    Tomorrow.”

    Don’t we always put such things off? Glad she finally did get to reach out, even if it wasn’t “tomorrow”. Nice to see her coming out of her shell – though I’m a little concerned about that bruised heart.

    Good reading in this.

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