Can you understand… – by Estrella Azul

Can you understand that I need my space?
To breathe, to unwind, to just be. To be me.

Can you understand that your constant concern and reproach bring me down?
That you make me feel guilty about taking time for myself. That it’s affecting our relationship.

Can you understand that I worry, too?
That instability is throwing me off track. That it makes me feel insecure.

Can you understand that I feel stuck?
That I sometimes don’t see the beauty people talk about seeing in me. That my soul is searching for something I can’t find right now.

Can you understand that some decisions just have to be mine?
About me. No matter how much a part of my life you are.

Can you understand that I love you?
That I want to keep loving you. That I don’t want to fight.

But for that, I need you to understand me.
No questions asked. No banter. No undermining my needs.

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14 Comments to “Can you understand… – by Estrella Azul”

  1. Oh, I certainly understand!

    First of all, this is so beautifully written.

    Second:

    ( and I apologize in advance for the long comment, but I’m hot on this topic at the moment :):

    Estrella — “make me feel guilty”– I’ve been in the process of writing about this very thing, because I’ve been researching and looking into guilt since I was 18 years old, ( I had a googob amount of the stuff living within me ), and I’ve learned a thing or three about it, including how to free myself of it, so perhaps this will be helpful to you:

    No one can “make” us feel guilty. They can play on the guilt that ALREADY exists within us, but it’s impossible to make us feel anything we don’t already feel. We have the option to either agree, and identify with it, with what they’re saying, or not. If we have guilt, ( and we do if we’re the ones feeling it ), then that’s an opportunity for us to take a look at it, and a heads up that it is we who need to make some clean decisions…and stick by them.

    It is absolutely okay to set lines in the sand, set some boundaries with folks, regardless of what they feel or think about it. It is okay to say “no.” To shut the door. We are the only ones who can take care of that need, our space. And I’ve learned, the hard way, unfortunately, that if we don’t, then folks will continually see that as an open door to continue stepping over the line.

    As long as you know you’re coming from a friendly place, ( and I’m certain that you are ), it’s all good. If others don’t choose to understand that, deciding to take whatever you’re doing personally, deciding to be hurt by your need for space, making it about themselves instead of seeing and understanding it’s about you, well, that’s on them. They’ll either learn to adapt, or not. If not, well, I refuse to argue about it…goodbye for now, “I’m shutting the door anyway.” They can throw their little tantrum somewhere else.

    There will always be someone who is pulling at us for our attention, and getting upset when they don’t get what they want from us.

    Writers, in particular I think, have a greater need for space than many others. Folks like to think that just because we’re sitting in a chair outside, in the sun, staring off into space, that we’re available. When what we’re doing is listening…and already forming in our head what we are going to write. We’ll come out and play when we’re done.

    Again, beautifully written and expressed Estrella. And I pray your world rights itself and becomes more stable for you soon.

    • Thank you so much, Cynthia, for taking the time to write this long comment (I don’t mind at all), I really appreciate all you told me.
      Yes, playing on the guilt that already exists is what’s happening… and when family is playing on it, then it’s even harder to free myself of that small seed that’s in there.
      Walking away is not an option, and even shutting the door isn’t easy in this situation.
      Writing about it helps. Reading of how I’m not the only one feeling this way (all of what I wrote about), is so, so helpful! Thank you, again, for your beautiful words and support!

  2. Very nicely done! Feeling some of those same emotions as summer rages on.

  3. Powerful stuff. I felt this down to my core. Shudders ran through me as I got to your last several words.

    Thank you for writing this. Thanks for the courage it must have taken to post it. xo

  4. Estrella, this is so very intimate – I almost feel as if I’m sneaking to read a diary. And I understand…oh boy do I understand! Just hang in there and keep on taking care of YOU, without the guilt (difficult as that may be you can do it).
    Sending positive energy and thoughts your way.

  5. I can. Yes, definitely.

  6. Those of us who have lived this can definitely understand.

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