Archive for ‘Decisions…’

2016, May 6

Why I won’t be going to my high school reunion

First off, I am not alone in this! Just search “going to high school reunion” on Google and notice how most titles contain the words “not going”, or start with “X reasons” to either attend or not.

Second, I was actually excited when I first heard the reunion was being organized. I figured I could attend for a few hours, if only to celebrate my current life without all the crap and drama from high school. We could get back in touch, reminisce, satisfy our curiosity about who is where in their life, and party like it’s 2006.
I talked to one of the people organizing the event, and he said he’d call me when anything has been decided since I don’t have a Facebook account under my name (because of stalker issues way back when, I still won’t be sharing my pen name but with a handful of people I know in real life). He asked if I knew phone numbers of some former colleagues, or had any ideas for an event hall. I said I’d find out/ask advice from friends and get back to him.
When I found out one of the phone numbers he was interested in, I texted him. After I complied a list of five event hall ideas I knew were good and not too pricey, I texted him.
Both texts received the same answer, that is, NO answer. Two months later there was still no news from him or anyone organizing the reunion.

That half-snapped me out of it!

I started thinking. Or overthinking?
Sure, after suffering through high school and having since built a wonderful, rewarding life for myself despite any bad experiences and setbacks (that’s just Life), showing off my success to the people that treated me badly could’ve been quite vindicating. Then again, when ever I wanted to, I could’ve just friended all my former high school colleagues on Facebook if I wanted to brag or see who is up to what in their life.
However, I have kept in touch with precisely two (2!) people from high school! Another person I ran into on a nearly daily basis when I was working as QA, but she rarely said “hello” back.
If I want someone in my life, chances are they’re already there!

The idea of one hundred people in the same room as me doesn’t really agree with me. You might recall I don’t particularly like weddings either, although one did give me enough material for a blog post. (As a side note, I am already dreading having to go to a wedding this October where I can’t use that clever survival guide, since I’m not really friends with the bride and groom.)
While these people I do somewhat know after four years of high school together, having to make polite chit-chat while old cliques inevitably form doesn’t appeal to me. We didn’t have much in common ten years ago, and I don’t expect to have much in common now after we’ve all changed, defined ourselves and turned into adults.

New York Magazine ran an article about “Why you never truly leave high school”, which discussed how our self-image from those years is especially adhesive. The article asserts that one of the reasons high schools produce such peculiar value systems is precisely because the people there have little in common, except their ages. Since there is no clear way to sort out social status, kids create them on their own based on crude, common-denominator stuff like nice clothes, athletic prowess, and looks, rather than on subtleties in personalities. This results in an unfortunate paradox: Though adolescents may want nothing more than to be able to define themselves, they discover that high school is one of the hardest places to do it. I didn’t have nice clothes, wasn’t athletic, and went through quite a long phase of curtain-type bangs. Maybe (surely) I was one of those kids, not quite fitting into one of those categories, but desperately wanting to neatly belong.

Truth be told, what makes me happiest about my decision of not attending my high school reunion isn’t only all of the above. I could’ve made myself suck it up and go, only for those people who I maybe would’ve liked catching up with. I just didn’t want to after really thinking about all of this. I figured I’d rather go out with friends I do enjoy being with and celebrate my birthday instead.
I texted the guy organizing the reunion, saying that I won’t be going. I wanted to do the right thing so they wouldn’t count on me. This time, he texted back. He said I should’ve checked the Facebook group discussions if I wanted to find out anything about the event before making other plans, that I was the only one who didn’t receive the information he put out there.

OK. That definitely snapped me out of it!

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2016, January 12

The Flos

I’ve admired Judy Clement Wall’s ability to doodle for as long as she’s been at it. Her art is beautiful, and ever since I saw her first creation, I wanted to try doodling.
Yet somehow, I almost always put it off. Sometimes I doodled, but not nearly as often as I would’ve liked to. And when I did, I was never happy with the output. My self-portrait from last week for example, looks nothing like me…

Last week, I saw an e-book on Amazon that looked interesting, so I added it to my shelf and started reading immediately. It’s called “DOODLE ART HANDBOOK: The Non-Artist’s Guide in Creative Drawing”, and even though I’m only 20% done with it, I like it.
I like that it inspired me to print out some coloring pages, and color again. (Like when I first printed out and colored some of j’s coloring pages.) I also printed out some doodle-art pocket calendars to color.
And I like that this book inspired me to actually start doodling myself.

It’s hard for me to let go and just doodle. I think that is because I like structure, rules and on any given day I am stressed (usually for time).
But after I washed my hair this week and while waiting for it to dry, I turned off my laptop, made a cup of tea, put my phone on silent, opened the book to read the instructions and started doodling. I tried to quiet my conscious mind. I doodled. And I did so in a really pretty notebook my friend Janel sent me like 5 or so years ago and which I kept putting off using in the hopes of someday getting into drawing.

doodling notebook

The first doodle I tried is the Flos, and find that it’s a simple creation which looks really wonderful when complete. It was fun following the pattern that I started, and had a rush of creativity as the blank page slowly filled in.
Halfway through the page, I switched to larger lines of the same pattern. It felt bold!
Once I finished the doodle, I went over it again and added further details which now make it look so much more complicated than it truly was to draw.
Below is my doodle, in case you were wondering. Next up? Petals! ;)

the flos

I am happy with my doodle, and less stressed. It’s as close as I could get to meditating. I like it.

2015, March 2

I had no patience last week

This past week in the year of loving ourselves fearlessly, we were supposed to find our life theme. And, well, the title above is all-revealing, I didn’t do it.

And as much as I’d love to blame this on anything else but my lack of patience to sit down and go through the questions Alex Franzen has written in a blog post from a few years back… I can’t. It was all me.

Sure, there were quite a few things which contributed to not having any patience for this.
It was my last week at the old job, and on the last day I even had to stay overtime an hour and a half.
On Saturday, when I planned on sitting down and answering the questions, I didn’t feel too well.
Then, some events in my personal life drained me and aside from posting a picture to Instagram, I didn’t even go online at all for the rest of the weekend.
Today, I started my new job, and of course didn’t want to hang around the internet, even though there wasn’t much for me to do right away, I just read a couple of things.
Now, it’s 23:17 at the moment of writing this sentence, and my eyelids are getting heavy and I don’t even feel like finishing it.

However, I do want to post something today, and as un-glamorous as this blog post is, these are for better or worse my thoughts at the moment.

I think that sometimes, Life happens, and as my friend j said it as well, there will be weeks when life demands more than we have to give. I also completely agree with her, although I am more than guilty of using having no time as an excuse for almost anything: “twenty four hours is all any of us gets in a day and how we fill those hours is all about prioritization.”

This past week, I did not have any patience to follow the e-guide. And that is okay.
Because, during staying overtime, I caught up with a friend who is on night shift, and we haven’t had a chance to talk much (more live, so to say) on Skype (I mean seriously, all my papers were signed, it’s not like I’d have gotten into any trouble for not actually working – and I seriously contemplated just standing up and walking out, but a little bit of work has gotten done).
Because, on Saturday, I got a little bit more rest in, and still managed to cook, and tidy up the apartment.
Because, instead of spending time online, I allowed myself to cry and thought long and hard about some things.
Because today, I got to know some of my colleagues, and some of the ins and outs of the company. I read up on a few things, and enjoyed the new, quiet environment around me.
And it is okay, because now, I’ll finish this blog post in two more sentences, then put my laptop away, turn the lights off and go to bed before 12am.

Hope you have a great start to your week, everyone! (And goodnight, if it’s night time where you are also.)

2015, January 5

52 Weeks & Ways to Love My (wild) Self

First of all, Happy New Year!!!
I am happy to report that my simple holiday decor is all still intact, Pixel wasn’t really interested in anything even when left alone for five days while we were traveling and our friends only went over to feed him.

Now on to the title of this blog post.
You might remember that in 2011, I took part in Judy Clement Wall’s, A Year of Loving Fearlessly. For this year, j asked her readers in her regular weekly e-mail  if they wanted to take part in a year of following the 52/52 e-guide‘s assignments every week. Here is her blog post for this week, if you’d like to read it.

My reply? YES, count me in!
2014 has been rough in many aspects, and even though I tried to be mindful of what I needed, I put everyone else first far too many times.
Time to change that. Who knows, maybe I’ll even have a few sentences to blog about if I start going through the guide with j. Blogging regularly is something I want so much, but had more than a lot of trouble with in 2014 due to lack of time, ideas and just generally being stressed.
And apparently it’s already working a little, since I’m excited to be declaring here my intention: starting today, January 5th, I’ll go through the whole guide. Each week during 2015, I’ll do the assigned activity and then write a few sentences about how it went the following week. It also helps to have a little nudge from j through her e-mails ;)
This first week’s assignment is to Text Love Daily.
I already have a couple of ideas for this, so let’s dive right into it!
Happy 2015!
PS: If you’d like to join in, the e-guide is only $15 , and for the month of January you can use the coupon code LOVEYOURWILDSELF to save an additional 10% on the guide and anything else in the shop.
2014, July 17

Wish I could say I was going to a tropical island for a vacation…

… but instead, we’re renovating the house at my mother’s. It will take a long time, it will be messy and especially expensive. It already made me give up on many things I love doing, much of my free time, and my heart is slowly breaking, truth be told.

However, I’ll give acting the way I want to feel a go and I’d like to think what I’m doing in the upcoming months is, creating space for more magic, like my friend j mentioned to me in a reply to one of her blog posts. (So I’m ending this post with her words, before I slowly sink into depression over having to put the blog on hold.)

"House renovations sound exhausting and exciting. And while I don’t always love it when I’m in the middle of it, sorting through what to give up and what to keep is always soul-filling in the long run. You’re creating space… for more magic."

IMG_20140708_144844

See you soon, hopefully. Hope you all have a great Summer!

2013, September 9

Hello Kettle, meet Pot & 5 things 4 Me

5things4me

In the “pot calls kettle black” fashion, I thought to suggest to a friend that they stand up for themselves and do what they love. Interestingly enough, I hardly ever take my own advice…

So when, during my first week off from work, I stumbled upon Cathy’s blog post about the #5things4me meme, I felt instantly inspired.

After heading over to read the introductory blog post from SemperFiMomma, I drew my conclusions and decided this was something I needed to do myself.

I know, logically, that it’s important to take care of myself. To do things I enjoy, to say no to things I don’t wish to do, and make time for what I love. However, more often than not, I notice work taking over every aspect of my life.
So that day, I made a list. Having time off from work during 26 Aug. to 8 Sept. I’m hoping to turn this into a habit I’ll keep even when I go back.

My lists:

Week 1

  1. Read before bed, at least half an hour.
  2. Write, at least one hour every day.
  3. Spend a day in bed.
  4. Treat myself to a slice of cake.
  5. (A spa-day is out of the question, but) Get a facial, manicure and eyelash tinting.

Week 2

  1. Craft – I have quite a few ideas, but couldn’t find the time to make stuff.
  2. Bake cookies (or something).
  3. Shower, and get into bed early even if I’ll continue editing, etc. from there.
  4. Paint my nails.
  5. Say “No” to something I don’t need to do. 

What I notice now that the two weeks have passed is that I managed to stay on track.

Of course, some goals were really easily kept, like reading before bed and cooking more. Some goals were skipped one day but met for longer periods of time on other days, like writing. And some goals just weren’t met, like painting my nails.

While I am happy with the overall outcome, I suspect the challenge part of this to kick in once I’m back at work starting today. This is when I truly struggle to find time for myself and not fully get lost in a workday…

2013, July 22

What will you never allow in your home?

Sort of a rant following, hope you’ll excuse me.

I will never allow smoking in my home.

I honestly don’t care if it’s my father, mother in law or whomever really, smoking will never be allowed in my home.

Because, yes it’s their decision if they want to screw up their health, but once they’re in my home, then it all becomes about my health and my family’s health. Not to mention it’s just plain and simple: stinky!

When we go to terraces with friends, I try to sit as far as possible from tables where people are smoking. It bothers me so much so, that I sometimes get sick from being in a room where there’s smoking.

I’ve lived in a place where people smoked. Not in my room, but in theirs and in the kitchen. It didn’t matter too much that they weren’t in my room, it was just as bad or worse since second hand smoking is even worse. Three years of that was enough.

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