Posts tagged ‘relationships’

2016, May 13

My thoughts on seeing one’s ex at an event

As I was searching for wedding-related hair/dress/survival guide ideas for a wedding we’ll attend later this year, I came across this article. The first lines of the article say “Post break-up, you’re bound to get it: The dreaded invite to the party/picnic/wedding where you know your ex will be. But instead of viewing it like the sequel to “Doomsday,” start prepping for it like a big red carpet event.” My mind immediately started screaming “No, No, No. No!”

I read on, curious to see the rest of the advice listed in the article and kept shaking my head in disagreement. Especially since some of the suggestions are quite good, but not the way the author spins them. Also, I suspect it’s a semi-sponsored article, since the author keeps suggesting stuff to buy, like that “red carpet dress”. So, I decided to share with you the list of suggestions and my thoughts on them. I will wait patiently while you go read the original article for comparison.

  • Splurge on a new dress – I agree that you shouldn’t show up in PJs and can splurge on a new dress if you have the means to, or wear your prettiest dress that you feel excellent in!
    However, the reason for this should not be driven by what your ex thinks, liked on you or color he hates. You should feel good in what you’re wearing, all the time and regardless of your ex being there or not, let alone in a fancier setting like a wedding.
  • Bring a wingman – I mostly agree with this, it doesn’t really matter what the event is, of course it’s always more fun if you go with someone, especially if you might not know too many people there. Like the article says, sure, if you don’t feel like taking a date then take a platonic guy or girl friend.
    Not for your ex’s benefit/to make them jealous/to show off though!
  • Get your hair/nails/makeup did – The take-away from this suggestion in the article is to not look like you tried too hard, and if your ex never saw you with makeup before, don’t show up sporting false lashes and siren red lipstick.
    I think you should never look like you’ve tried too hard, not only when you might run into an ex. And I strongly disagree with that second part about makeup. On the one hand, you shouldn’t care if your ex never saw you wearing makeup before, and on the other hand: people change!
    Personally I only wore makeup occasionally during high school and uni years. I honestly wore little to no makeup up until two years ago, when I started working in an office setting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the minimalist style and most likely won’t wear false lashes to any event, but I do enjoy a darker lip color on occasion. So why we are told not to wear that only because our ex might be at an event and never saw us wearing such makeup is beyond me!
  • Wear your signature fragrance – In the article, this suggestion bluntly comes off as advice on how to bring back memories in your ex of fancy dinners you guys went on, of borrowing their shirt and giving it back smelling like you, of just you.
    While I agree that wearing your signature fragrance is fun because you love it, that’s why it’s your signature fragrance, I don’t agree with only wearing it/wearing it in excess only to bring up memories in your ex. They will remember the past just by seeing you anyway.
  • Take care of the areas he will never even see – Even the sentence in the article starts with “this might seem counter-intuitive.” So, really?
    Yes, of course, take care of the areas the ex or anyone else other than your current partner will see, but do it for yourself! You have to be the one who feels good in their skin so never think about this stuff as being something that you do for your partner’s benefit, or worse, for your ex’s benefit.
  • Have a drink… but not five – OK, this is one of the very few points in the article that I fully agree with.
    May I add though, that I think one should never go past their measure, regardless of their ex being at the event or not.
  • Give your friends talking points – The suggestion here is to tell friends to drop hints or work info about you into the conversation, so you’re not the one bragging about that new job, huge apartment or awesome vacation you’re taking. They end the paragraph with the question “well, better from her lips than yours, right?”
    Well, this is just a flat out “NO!” in my opinion. Unless specifically asked for advice, friends, either mutual or not, should not be involved with what is/was between the two of you.
    If you’re having a genuine conversation with friends and the ex is part of that conversation (or overhears it) sure, it’s not like that information is classified. However, if you’re manipulating the conversation into that direction, that is not OK. Both you and your friends should be mindful of what you say to an ex.
    If exes want to find out something about you, they will ask. If they don’t, they’re either too uncomfortable or are simply over you and don’t care to know. You can tell which of these two when you ask them about how they are doing. There is no need to over-share.
  • Be gracious – I do agree with this point. Don’t let your ex hear about grudges you hold, or names you’ve called them. It’s always helpful to have some easy conversation topics in mind so you don’t run into rehashing old things. Make your time with them short, sweet and gracious, and don’t monopolize their time over the course of the evening (ie. if both of you smoke, don’t time every single cigarette “break” at the same time with theirs).
  • Hit the dance floor (but not the karaoke machine) – I agree with this as well. Your every single action shouldn’t revolve around your ex’s presence in the room. Don’t fake it or over do it, don’t stay on the dance floor all night long if that is not who you normally are. Be yourself and have fun!
  • Make a perfectly timed exit –  I agree that you don’t have to stay until the end of the night just because your ex does. Unless you do actually have other plans/obligations, you probably shouldn’t be rude to your hosts and run out before the main course is served.
    However, my advice is to stay for as little or as long as you feel the need to! You’re the only one who knows how much fun you’re having, and it should not depend on your ex’s actions/presence there.

Now, this is just my two cents, I am not calling myself an expert on relationships. So now I have to ask you, what do you think about the points above?

2015, September 15

Find the gold

The assignment for last week in the year of loving ourselves fearlessly was to Find the Gold. To take the time. Try to find the gold in everyone we met. Or met up with.
This is something that comes naturally to me. I usually try to find something good even in the people I don’t click with right away.

Last week, in an effort to get to know two people better, I decided to ask them out one evening after work. I figured this would tie in so well with my week of finding gold, because we don’t get along too well.
We’ve had our differences in the past, but given we will eventually go out together with a larger group of friends, I wanted to see if we could go past our differences. To see if we could go past simple, polite chit-chat. We all get to choose if we make the first move when it comes to connection or if we’re going to be a further part of misunderstandings. We have control over whether or not we’re going to reach out.
So, I reached out even though they’ve never tried to. If there was gold in there, I was intent on finding it!

I think that one always have the right to express their opinion and discuss an issue further. But only if it serves a purpose and helps one move forward. Meeting up with these people did help me move forward.

However, Thursday evening came and went without much changing in our relationship. We won’t get past talking only about the weather and other small talk. I am doing my best to understand that some people are not meant for complex conversations, or contemplating the meaning of our existences, or helpful in nursing wounds back to health.
To be honest, I half-expected this, so I am not too surprised. On the other hand though, I went into the whole thing with such a positive attitude (after freaking out for half a day, because let’s face it, I was indeed worried, too!), that I was even more disappointed when we said good night. More disappointed than I felt before trying this.
Their attitude and actions were beyond anything I expected, and the whole encounter just exhausted me. I still feel depleted. And, I don’t even think I was too coherent when my boyfriend asked me about it. I couldn’t find to right words to express myself properly when trying to tell him about my evening.

So why am I even telling you about this? Because finding the gold is hard!
It takes much more than one evening, it definitely needs for unnecessary attitude and past poo not to get into the way of things, and you know what? Sometimes… that gold is simply nowhere to be found no matter how hard you mine for it!

The assignment for Week 37 is to Stretch Every Day. 
To stretch bodily, mentally, spiritually… every way you can. As j said in the 52-52 guide, “The goal for this week is to reach, always, for what lies just beyond your grasp, whether it’s your toes…”
I am stretching my back even as I type this, so let’s see how this week goes… beyond stretching my body.

How was your week? Did you find gold in the people you met, or met up with? Was it hard to be conscious of finding the gold, or you didn’t have to remind yourself often?

PS: If you’re interested in joining us, you don’t have to have the e-guide to play, but if you’d like it, you can buy it in the shop.

2009, April 29

Sex and the City quotes

I had my Quotes page for quite a while now, it’s pretty popular, can’t complain :P Yet, I’ve decided to list here some Sex and the City quotes to have all in one place.

Quotes from Candace Bushnell’s,

Sex and the City


" I’m flattered that so many of you showed up to hear me talk.
The fact is, I have had a lot of experience with men. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it very ugly.
There are two million single men in this city. I have dated about a million of them. All these men are right outside your door.
Next time you step out with your shoes and traveling cappuccino, take a look around. Our metropolis is stacked with men.
You never know who you’ll run into.
You can turn a corner and boom: bright lights, date city."

" Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.
There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous!"

" Maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives?
Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go.
But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart… and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away."

" Why do we let the one thing we don’t have affect how we feel about all the things we do have?
Why does one minus a ‘plus one’ feel like it adds up to zero?"

" Let’s be honest. Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27.
And then there’s that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you – the baby shower."

" And even though time had moved us on, I managed to stay exactly where I was … in love."

" We all get freaked out from time to time, but we keep trying because you have to figure, if the world fattest twins can find love there’s hope for all of us.
Somewhere, out there, there’s another little freak who’ll love us, understand us, will kiss our three heads and make it all better."

" Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them."

" After years of living in the city I assumed that if my friends and I ever got our fairytale endings, that would be the end of the story.
But real life always has a twist."

" I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.
And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris."

" When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know.
Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies…"

" I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

" No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends."

" The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to.
Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself."

" I rarely think of the past. I only care of what will happen today, tonight, tomorrow."

" Is hesitation a sign that it’s not right or is it a sign that you’re not ready? In matters of love, how do you know when it’s right?"

“ Later, I started thinking about restlessness and relationships. Once we’ve found what we’re looking for, why are some of us reluctant to let go of our single selves? Is single life such a constant flurry of fun and friends that settling down immediately fills us with the urge to shake things up again? And, why does becoming part of a couple imply settling down? To be in a couple, do you need to put a single self on a shelf?”

“ When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho.”

“ Sometimes it takes a friend to make a picture perfect but a picture perfect friendship…well, that’s just ethos.”

“ That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don’t need them anymore.”

“ Like that freckle on my face that he once told me that he loved……I could do my best to hide it during the day, but at night, after I washed the city off my face there it was, a tiny brown dot near the tip of my lip. And I wondered how something so small could suddenly seem so big.”

“ That night I started to think about belief. Maybe it’s not even advisable to be an optimist after the age of 30. Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily, like moisturizer. Otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all. I couldn’t help but wonder…what’s the harm in believing?”

“ We could only wonder how she would be able to dust herself off and start over. over again. And yet we knew we couldn’t bear for her not to, and felt ever more optimistic that after all her struggles, she would someday meet her man, her equal: a man with the same charisma, love of life, and humanity she possessed. In the meantime, she’d have her friends. And the knowledge that she deserved the world."

“ I had a choice; I could slink off the runway and let my inner model die of shame, or I could pick myself up, flaws ‘n all and finish.
And that’s just what I did. Because when real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking.”

“ A relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having.”

“ Some love stories aren’t epic novels – some are short stories. But that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.”

“ Maybe there are no right moments, right guys, right answers. Maybe you just have to say what’s in your heart.”

“ That’s the thing about friends, they will always hold your hair back when you’re sick.”

“ In love relationships there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact it is a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. To some pain implies growth. But how do we know when the growing pains stop and the pain pains begin? Are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line?”

“ When things come too easy we’re suspect. Do they have to get complicated before we believe they’re for real? We’re raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly. There always have to be obstacles in Act Two before you can live happily ever after in Act Three. But what happens when the obstacles aren’t there? Does that mean there’s something missing? Do we need drama to make a relationship work?”

“ No matter how far you travel or how much you run from it, can you ever really escape your past?”

“ Sometimes second chances work out even better than the first because you learn from your mistakes.”

“ Does anybody really know when it’s right? And how do you know – are there signs? Fireworks? Is it right when it feels comfortable or is comfortable a sign that there’s no fireworks?
Is hesitation a sign that it’s not right, or is it just a sign that you’re not ready? In matters of love how do you know when it’s right?”

“ I started thinking about honesty. Maybe the whole idea was overrated. Maybe coming clean is the ultimate selfish act: a way to absolve yourself by hurting someone who doesn’t deserve to be hurt…”

“ Is hope a drug we need to go off of? Or is it keeping us alive? What’s the harm in believing?”

“ As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

“ If you love someone and it didn’t work out does that mean that they weren’t your soul mate? were they just a runner-up contestant in this show called happily ever after?”

“ One of the reasons some people still risk the possible horror of a first date is the possible magic of the first kiss at the front door.”

“ Life gives you lots of chances to screw up which means you have just as many chances to get it right.”

“ When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?”

“ So just love, make mistakes, and have wonderful times, but never second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly, where it is you are going.”

“ Eventually all the pieces fall into place….until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.”

“ Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”

“ It’s the reviews you give to yourself that matter.”

2009, February 22


sarahjessicaparkerMaybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives?

Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go.

But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart… and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.”

(Candace Bushnell, Sex and the city)

PS: thanks Laura for that wonderful Yiruma song, it’s great (and yes, I just realized I forgot to write the PS to the post)!

[My-Mood Videos]

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