Posts tagged ‘scares’

2009, April 30

Moving on…

A year ago today something happened that changed my life forever… S7000722-crop The stress I’ve been under caught up with me, my health, as I wrote in the Doctors: nice or fake? and Stress :( posts last year.

The scare when I fainted from the pain (twice), the cab-ride to the hospital, the needles, tests, and the unfortunate sentence: "If we don’t operate NOW you’ll die!" (which I’ve successfully blocked out then, and only remembered it a few days ago). It was all terrible, scary and the feelings of deceit and sadness didn’t help either. I hated everything about it, the time spent in the hospital, the months off-work… Even I don’t know how I managed to live through it all. And the person who put me in that position, in the hospital, between life and death… is very well off, and exactly the same as before.
A lot of "baggage" that surgery had created, 5 visible scares and a lot more than that as some scares aren’t visible! More stress and feelings of depression, and a lot more that I can’t deal with even after a year, but at least it’s somewhat in the past now.

I believe it’s time for me to move on, and I’ll write down here what I want to say, hoping it will help somehow…

I will be tough. I will not be bitter. I will not stoop low and say things I will regret. I’ll be a much happier person if I let things slide, even if it’s as hard as it is. I will prove him wrong, that it is possible to not hate him even if he gives me all the reasons to. Because the opposite of kindness, friendship, and even love is indifference, not hate.
I won’t seek revenge and I won’t wish bad things upon him. I only wish him everything he ever wished for me. I won’t overstep my boundaries, I will mind my own business. And I’ll prove him, that we don’t need for him to help out my Sweetheart and I, I will do that myself! He has not only lost a friend who could’ve come in handy most of the times, he also lost his brother. Because his brother will never look at him the same way he did before all of this, before everything he has done to us over the years.
On Judgment day, I want to look back on this and not feel ashamed for the way I acted afterwards.
Let him be the one who has to live with his behavior, I don’t need that kind of guilt laying on my shoulders. I have quite enough on my plate because of him as-is.

I will respect myself! I will move on, as much as I can…

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