Posts tagged ‘stress’

2009, April 26

Not happening…

tearsHow come every single time things seem to be going right for a change, everything turns out to be just one more of my Life’s really bad and plain old stupid jokes? A dream I had for a long time now has shattered to tiny tiny peaces yesterday and… There is no way to change it, no good outcomes I can see now, no resolving, no fixing it…

And the worse part is that I still feel like it’s my fault for getting my hopes up and believing something could’ve worked out for a change… I’m sick and tired of everything damn it!

[My-Mood Videos]

2009, April 1

Unsettled… insecure…

When is my recent period of feeling unsettled and especially insecure coming to an end already? When will I be able to look forward, to feel more content than I have been in a long time?
I’m not feeling mighty fine about our new situation, though it might not really seem all that new right now, mostly because it’s going on since August last year…

Is it working out for the best, might I have the chance to tell someone "I told you so." when all this is over?
We’re right on the verge of a new beginning in our relationship.
I often think about what I/He’d like to change, and what I/He’d like to keep as is. If I could make anything happen, what would it be? And… would it help in any way?
I don’t feel like rushing ahead, and I can’t seem to slow down and savor the day either… especially because of some people who’s life goal is tearing me down, and to do everything in their power to achieve it…
I absolutely know: it’s the small moments with my loved one, not just the big events, which make our relationship what it is…
But… Is our relationship just what we need it to be?

[My-Mood Videos]


I wish I could change the past or… at least that it was last Christmas again…


2009, February 4

Reaching for a star…

 

S7003068-crop2My hole life I’ve been constantly reaching for stars, for things I wanted and couldn’t have… simple (for me) things like a normal family, good grades, a dog, good health, etc. and I didn’t get too many of them.
Until this day, I still want these things and I have no idea when I can have them so I can stop being so stressed all the time, so I can kick back and relax a bit too instead of worrying all the time.
I wish people could say one day in the near future: I’m sorry, but I had to act like this so I can surprise you… but that’s never gonna happen :(

I can’t stop reaching… I can’t just sit around and wait, expect for things to come my way. Yet reaching didn’t pay off eighter… Sometimes I just don’t wanna do anything anymore, there are days where it’s just a little bit too much to take.
Even though I can look at my life and see where I’ve been and be grateful for what I have: it doesn’t make now any easier. I mean, I am grateful when I think of all that has gone, and I feel blessed to still be alive, to have a roof over my head, people who love me, but… I guess I’m just tired…
what can and should I do?
I have no idea… maybe one day everything will be ok… maybe…

2009, January 21

An Italian day :P

Hmmm… today I had a very Italian day, and as a result of this, you’ll find a few Italian songs in the My-Mood Videos page :)

Otherwise my mood can change from bad to worse in just a few seconds, but it’s better than yesterday, so at least my stress level is a little bit lower. I’m sure that my mood changes when the weather changes.
When it’s sunny, nice and warm, then I’m happy and I enjoy things around me more. But when it rains and everything is gray, then my mood is like gray, I’m not so interested in things and I’m also not so happy.
I get really grumpy in windy weather, even if I don’t have to be out in it for extended periods of time, I get annoyed with everything :(
With the white snow, I feel like a bit funny but comfortable and good inside…

It would be silly to ask for sunny days and warm weather.. but I’d like at least a small amount of snow…

Later edit -> In thimes like this, I could probably find boxing very stress releasing… I need a hug…

2008, November 4

Stressful days…

theatre1It could be stretched out to the past few weeks, but especially these past few days, I haven’t been that easy to be around… I admit it, and I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone, believe me, it was unintentionally, I really am sorry! But in my defense: I have a looot on my mind, a lot of problems, and making a list of them isn’t even worth it, they won’t change… I have to think about everything all the time, even the things I don’t want to think about, they’re right there on my list of worries as well unfortunately, and I can’t seem to lose them… :(

Somewhere along the way from childhood and being a teenager (not that it was perfect, but at least other people worried for me), to adulthood, I got swept up in pessimism… and I really feel sad because of this. As some may say, adulthood is the real test of life, to experience the world from a first-person standpoint instead of through the parents. Well I got to experience so much of the bad things that can happen to someone, that most people are amazed I survived them all. Honestly, even I am amazed… I’m usually not that keen on showing my feelings to everyone, I’m not that open to just anyone, and even with my closest friends and family I always try to at least force a smile on my face, see the good part of things… I am trying sooo hard to be optimistic, especially for my own sake, and most of the time I can pull it off, but then something happens and only my pessimistic side can respond to it, like all the optimism never even existed. And I don’t know what to do about it any more, because to me, it seems like the more I try to work something out, the worse it all gets because usually when I let myself think that finally everything is gonna be ok… guess what? Yes, something else goes wrong… it’s like a never ending circle of disappointments… it just goes on, and on, and on, and on… will it ever stop? In my lifetime I mean…

I wish I could go on a trip to visit my friend in Hungary, to spend a few days with her, relax, have our girl talks, go sight seeing, etc. or on a trip with my Sweetheart, and just have that great feeling that while I’m gone everything is taken care of, I can do pretty much what I’d like, go where I want to if I want to, and that I don’t have to worry about anything cause I know that all my worries are put aside, even if it’s only for a few days. I’m realistic, so I know that they will all be there when I get back anyway… but meanwhile: I would just like a few worry-free days!!!

So once again I apologize to those who are around me when I’m stressed out, and just keep in mind, that I am trying to be more optimistic, and I really can’t be a ray of sunshine all the time… Life just doesn’t work like that…

Later edit -> My life right now is very very hard  and I feel like I have no more power to overcome all the bad things, I don’t have any more patience and  not much hope that some day all things considered, I’ll be happy…

2008, September 29

Fights and respect…

It’s been a few weeks since it all happened… and it still gets to me worse than I expected :( But I’m trying to make the most of it… And I can just hope I’ll get past this too…

A fight is, as the dictionary tells us, is an intense verbal dispute. When you have it with someone, it’s usually a sing you two don’t get along…obviously :P

But what is it called, when you do everything in your power to please someone, to be their mate, even if not a close one, but you try and make them happy, make them care for you… but let’s not even say “care”, let’s stick to: respect you. How in the world can you earn someone’s respect?

Respect for someone is the acknowledgment that: that person has value; the showing of thoughtfullness and consideration; you refrain from intruding upon or interfering with; you respect their privacy… And wouldn’t it be wonderful if this was known by everyone? If the people around you noticed all the things you have done for them, and at least for that they’d respect you?

No… that would be too simple… it would mean that they’d have to care about someone else besides themself, and that would be too much for them. I really feel sorry for those in question, cause even if in the present it’s working out for them,  and they think this is the best way of living their life… well as it’s not: they’ll find that out later on.

And when they do, it’s gonna be way too late… too late to change, too late for apologies…

2008, September 7

Another fight…

I know that wasn't your intention... but it will take a whole lot more to defeat me! You have my word on that!

Another fight, another almost sleepless night, another start all over… It’s actually tiring in a looot of ways. But at least this time it didn’t end with another surgery, and thank God for that!

It was more than enough the first time around, but it happened again :( Promises were broken, and the apology never came. And it won’t… not from the person who did the most harm in my life anyway…

As I began: another fight, and I’m straight back at home, after exactly one year of living together with my Sweetheart… We love it so much together, I thought it was a fairy tale, my life finally made sense with my Sweetheart by my side every night when we went to sleep… And we couldn’t even have a nice day to celebrate. I won’t bore you with details, I don’t even want to remember them, but they will affect the rest of my life just like the surgery is. The important thing is, that it wasn’t a fight with my boyfriend… no, it was with his brother (take a look at my Stress :( post if you wanna find out what kind of person he is). I hate people who don’t care about anything!!!

So here I am, here we are… separated by an idiot, who unfotunately has more say in it than my boyfriend does, just because he’s mental (honestly he is… othervise no one starts to throw out your stuff, and jump to hit you as he did… and he got me too) :( I didn’t fit in his plans, it wasn’t enough that I almost died last time because of him…

Now he got what he wanted: I won’t speak to him ever again, and I won’t ever move under one roof with him, not even by accident!

And… who knows me, also knows I’m dead serious when I say: he will get what he deserves… even if not from me. God is up there and he saw everything! That idiot won’t get away with this unpunished!

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